WIN FREE STUFF and help me with a Social Networking/Blogging experiment

BP Oil Protest Song!


I'm interested in seeing if how long it takes a video to 'go viral.' I've seen some really stupid 'viral videos' aired on CNN, so at least this isn't another baby dancing.


So help me out and forward this, tweet it, like it on facebook and youtube, and then leave me a comment telling me what you did. Leave your comment here though--not on facebook or twitter.


If it's played on CNN's viral video segment, one lucky commenter will be chosen by random drawing to receive a copy of his next CD (which will be released in July).


A review of his last album, can be found here, at iberkshires.com,

Just a reminder that it's still happening: on June 7th, the war in Afghanistan became the longest war in US history.

The Grown-up Me

Feb. 2009

Growing up taught me there are no gallant steeds.
White horses, though they exist,
just aren't commonplace around here.
And though I could fill my rooms with round tables
the knights I hoped would visit
all died in the plague.

I understand that sleep can not be cast by spell;
a kiss can not restore the tragedy of death;
a frog is a frog, or more likely --
a mistaken toad. And warts are caused by virus.

I've learned
wicked witches aren't always ugly,
the bad guys don't always wear black,
and poisoned fruit is sold in darkened doorways
by scruffy fallen boys.

Growing up taught me that crystal slippers slice my heels;
ball gowns suffocate;
wolves don't take the time to huff and puff
(nor are they limited to forests);
and mirrors only talk in whispers
to those who listen.

I have learned there is a genetic law:
once born a duck you'll never be a swan.
And while the mallard is a fickle lover,
it is the swan that mates for life.

Growing up taught me, most importantly,
that fairy tales are absolutely never shelved
with non-fiction
between biographies and history.
Which is where you will someday find

the grown-up me.

~mnh

Censorship Advice to the Drunk

Censorship Advice to the Drunk

(Not taking my own advice about turning off the computer after Irish Coffee on a Friday night. Drunken poetry is especially bad. ~Mari)

When a writer has toasted with too many shots
and pounds out a rambling missive,
clicking 'send' isn't wise, but there aren't many sots
who can separate wise from derisive.

There's something about whiskey that forces the truth,
that makes one decide to tell all.
In the earliest hours it's gin and vermouth
I blame for the indiscreet calls.

To those women dialing three sheets to the wind
or sending tomes to long-gone suitors,
Take my advice before you hit send:
turn off your phones and computers!

~Mari Nichols-Haining  - 2006

In Time (revised)

There was a time 

...when I needed to name the moments
   so each could be filed in a memory
   that is too worn and weary to recall without cues--

...when my throat, inflamed and rough,
   couldn't hold my voice;
   when doubt strangled my thoughts before words formed--

       --Because minutes don't pause to be mourned

I keep postcards from the past in a worn leather briefcase.
They were ribboned and packed only after
I did my business with time.

Now, names I assigned to the moments then,
fall into my head
as dead as the browned autumn leaves.
And as easy to ignore,

         --in time.

~MNH

A Woman and her Tools

When I was 17 (that's not a typo), my husband taught me to change a tire. Necessity is the mother of invention, but Poverty is the Saint of  Do-it-Yourselfers. Poverty not only meant that we scavenged our tires from a recycling heap, but "changing a tire" meant we literally changed our tires: we took the exploded tire off the rim and put the new-to-us one on the  rims. In retrospect, this may be why we had so many exploded tires (you think?). I learned the difference between  wrench and pliers in those years, and we learned together how to change the car's struts without killing ourselves. Trust me on this kids: don't try that one at home.

We bought our tools and automobile parts from Pick-a-Part (although I don't even want to think about why people are junking cars with shovels and axes in the trunks). Years later, my uncle stopped by the family home to collect some of my grandpa's stuff and accidentally left with most of Ron's tools. I felt like I had betrayed us by letting it happen. Although I eventually boxed up and gave away his things after he died, I kept the tools that were left. The greasy hand prints were his, and attached to nearly every tool was a memory of working on a car together. Plus, I used them sort of regularly.

When I remarried, my new husband didn't understand  why  I was crushed when the marital-merging of tools made me feel like they were his tools. He used them more often and they went into his toolbox, which sometimes had a lock on it. I felt like I had to ask to use them, and  I lost a bit of independence when I couldn't leave my screwdriver in the kitchen drawer without irritating him when it didn't make it back in his box. Ron's beat-up old toolbox, scavenged from a well-used Chevy's truck bed, got thrown out along the way in favor of something newer. When I found out, I was unexpectedly taken by the feeling that something familiar and comforting had been lost. More than a decade later, it shocked me that the only physical belongings I was willing to fight for in the divorce were the tools I came into the marriage with. He could have the car, TV, bed, dressers, and house--everything but the tools.

My brother came to visit shortly after the divorce proceedings started. He's an insightful person: he brought me some of his spare tools and organized mine.  I was thrilled to have a collection started again, but after loaning them out and having  people 'borrow' them without telling me, I feel again like I have to ask to use my own tools and it's time to make a stand.  Often, I first have to make the uncomfortable call to ask if he (that's gender neutral 'he', of course) has the tool before I can ask for it to be returned. And just as often, whether the tool is sitting in my shed or he borrowed it without asking, the response is righteous indignation at the question and if he has it, at  my request for its return.

I'm considering getting a set of pink tools. Call me crazy, but I think they'd be borrowed less often. And if you're ever at the junk yard and see a woman peeking in the back of every  Chevy on the lot, it's me--looking for a weathered pink toolbox.

Yes, they make them!
Apollo Precision Tools DT9706P 39-piece Pink General Tool Set
Apollo Precision Tools DT0773N1 135-Piece Household Pink Tool Kit

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Does my Mother-in-Law know she's eating dung?

Okay, she's probably not actually eating dung. I assume, although I haven't looked into it, that cooking with human feces would violate some health department sanitation rules.

When she last visited me, she went on a city-side search for Ezekiel Bread. The full name is Ezekiel 4:9 Bread,   and it's made by Food For Life. She couldn't find it then, but I saw it in the store the other day so it much be catching on.

I can't bring myself to buy any though. You see, if you read past 4:9, the recipe continues. The key to the bread is in 4:12-13, which reads:

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them."

 I think I'll stick with Wonder.

Monster turds and Morgan Freeman? A real-time movie review.

I'm watching Dreamcatcher. I'm 13 minutes into it and I already hate it. My real-time, unedited reactions:

(started 15 minutes into the movie:)
General impression: horrible acting.
One of the stars, Professor Jones, has just been annihilated by a van.

Next scene: Wait a minute. Is this him? He's limping. But he's outside fetching firewood. No way. He's like Superman. I should tell you too that the main characters can read minds. I don't know why I should tell you this, except that it was revealed within the first five minutes of the movie and they've made it clear it's important.

A completely fake scene with these guys sitting around a table 'guy talking.' This is the most unbelievable crap I've ever seen. Horrible, horrible dialogue. We get some backstory and character development: they've been coming up to this cabin for 20 years. They're good guys who once saved an autistic little boy. They toast to a dreamcatcher. We get the impression someone has died.

Later:
A horrific car accident. Quadruple rollover down a snowy hill. I"m pretty sure it's not even a Toyota! I predict they'll survive.Maybe they'll have a limp.

Okay, these guys are superman.  No limps.

Back at the cabin: there's an exodus of animals. The two men there, Toothpick guy and Prof. Jones, just watch. I'd start running too.

The other two guys from accident are trekking up the hill to confront the woman they swerved to avoid, who is still standing in the middle of the road.
 
One of the guys (the witty one, I suppose) quips

"Hey, Miss Road Kill, you almost got us killed!"

Oh, she's sitting.  And not dead. 

Back at the cabin, the animals are still running. The men are standing outside watching them run. One comments on the red stuff they see on the animals and another wonders out loud about what they're running from. Finally. But do they run? No.

A helicopter appears. They're under quarantine. Morgan Freeman is in the helicopter. This gives me hope for the movie!

Hmm... that red stuff? Looked like blood to me and it's all over their cabin now. It came from the sick guy they took in earlier. Sorry, I forgot to mention that part.

Okay, the sick guy just laid a monster turd and died. Literally. This provides me with another great example of bad dialogue:

"He's dead, Beav."
"Bullshit he is, he just dropped a clinker, man, I heard it!"

They trap it (the monster turd) in the toilet with toothpick-guy sitting on the lid, but the turd keeps banging the toilet lid. Toothpick-guy's (hereafter called Stupidguy) toothpicks get knocked out of his pocket and falls into a puddle of the blood the sick guy pooped out. Stupidguy wants his toothpicks so badly that he's willing to die for them. Idiot. Looks like he may.

 Oh, whoa. This monster poop is has some crazy teeth!
(seconds later) Stupidguy is wrestling the turd. This is kind of like alligator wrestling, but with poop.

My excrement  is definitely not this smart. Smart logs know how to turn the door handle. I think I'm out of shit synonyms. Sorry.


An Alien poopmommy just appeared? WTF? Her head exploded.
NSA or something is moving in.

I swear this really needs to get better. Did I mention Morgan Freeman was piloting the helicopter? Jeez. I love Morgan Freeman. He saves any movie. This may be his FAIL.

I'm giving up on this movie. It's time to sleep anyway.

I turned it back on accidentally. I'm glad I gave up on it though. Apparently the mommy poop took over Prof Jone's body and gave him a silly English accident. He's going to Massachusetts. I should have known. Not only do they have funny accents there, but that state recently sent an alien-like being to run for president.

Pete, one of the guys in the accident, has been infested with a monster turd. Guess they eat some and crawl up the butts of others.


Seriously. I'm giving up on it now. Not. One. More. Second.

Frustrated with importing!

I've been trying to export old blogs from MySpace and am frustrated by my progress. I was able to export them as Atom feeds, but Google/blogger is pretty particular about rejecting xml that didn't come from their own export tools.

Exporting them to HTML and then cutting and pasting one entry at a time seems to be only only option, but it's a tedious one.  If anyone has any simple fixes, please let me know!!

Your Photo

You are frozen in a frame above the mantle.
Your face thin, I notice now; but though it seems
not for the first time.

There are things I want to ask you; when I'm alone
I do. You haven't answered me yet-
this is the first promise you've broken.

It's been too many years for me to keep talking
to ink behind glass.
This photographic love must end.

My sweet memory. I should forget.

Typo of the century: Large Hardon Collider

We all knew it would happen.

EverySam's Summary of the Health Care Reform Process

The best summary  of the Health Care Reform process was posted as a Digg comment by EverySam:

Democrats: "We need health care reform"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Give us a majority and we'll do it better"
Democrats: "Done, you have majority of both houses"

12 years later, health care is irrefutably worse in every respect for every single person in the United States

Democrats: "We need health care reform"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Americans are tired of partisan politics!"
Democrats: "OK, let's compromise"
Republicans: "OK, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done. Time to end debate"
Republicans: "Too liberal, we need more debate, we will filibuster to prevent you from voting"
Democrats: "OK, we'll vote--sorry guys, debate is ended. It's time to vote on the bill"
Republicans: "Too liberal, we vote no"
Democrats: "OK, it passed anyway--sorry guys."

One month later

Republicans: "Wait--wait, OK, we have less of a minority now so we can filibuster forever."
Democrats: "Sorry, the bill already passed, we need it to pass the House now"
Republicans: "But we have enough to filibuster"
Democrats: "Sorry, the bill already passed, we need it to pass the House now"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You haven't listened to our ideas! You've shut us out of this whole process!"
Democrats: "Sorry, show us your proposal"
Republicans: "Smaller government"
Democrats: "That's not very specific"
Republicans: "OK, here's our detailed proposal--It's our common-sense ideas we spent 12 years not enacting"
Democrats: "OK, we'll add a bunch more of your ideas"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You included all these back-room deals"
Democrats: "OK, we'll get rid of the back-room deals"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You're using obscure procedural tricks to eliminate the back-room deals!"
Democrats: "No, we're using reconciliation, which both parties have used dozens of times for much larger bills"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You're pressuring Congressmen to vote for your bill! Scandal!"
Democrats: "It's called 'whipping', it's been done since 1789"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Can't you see the American people don't want this?"
Democrats: "This bill is mildly unpopular (40-50%), doing nothing (your proposal) is extraordinarily unpopular (4-6%)"
Republicans: "We need to start over! We need to start over!"
Democrats: "We should really consider voting--"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Start over! Clean slate! Common-sense! America!"

Firefox keyboard scrolling issues

Firefox has been driving me crazy lately. I use my keyboard 99% of the time and mouse only when necessary. I didn't even realize I relied on keystrokes so much until caret browsing stopped working after an update. Once I installed 3.6, when I'd try to scroll down using page down or the down arrow, my cursor would jump to the bottom of the screen and then snap back to the top of the page.

Thankfully, I figured out the fix! I present it here as a public service:

Select Tools ¦Options ¦Advanced ¦General
Make sure Always use the cursor keys to navigate within pages and Use autoscrolling are not checked.



It's counter-intuitive, but it worked for me! You can switch caret browsing on and off by hitting the F7 if you're using a PC.

Water of Love

Jesse Sterling Harrison on YouTube--pass it around and then subscribe to his YouTube channel so you can say you knew him when. His original music is even better and I have it straight from the horse's mouth that there's more of it on the way very, very soon. 

Logan's Run

I loved Logan's Run as a child. It came out when I was seven and I've been trying to find a copy of it for years. Thank you Netflix!!

It's funny how things change over time. I can't remember it looking so fake to me back then and apparently I wasn't the only on. It was nominated for two Oscars, won a Saturn and Nebula award, and it received an Academy award for Special Achievement for its visual effects. And since I'm spewing trivia, I should mention that it was a ground breaking movie for its sound too! It was the first movie made using Dolby Stereo.

I'm not sure why my parents let me watch it, except that parent's were not quite as protective in the '70s as they are today. The carousel scene was horrifying:

Census 2010

This seems like the most reasonable answer. I wonder if they'll send someone to my door to verify my race.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it...

Heads up! We're not a democracy anymore.  Seriously. Texas said so! And the entire state must be part of some alternate USA, because their country has a different history than the rest of us in the US. Really, if my kids ever kids passed a test based on the new curriculum standards, I'd consider grounding them.

If you stumble on this post months or years from now, I hope the new standards haven't spread throughout the country and become ingrained in society. If they have, I do hope you remember what happened to spark this post and your skewed-version of history.  If not, take this chance to research the Texas Board of Education ruling in 2010.

If you're reading this soon afterwards and start thinking about the ruling too hard, you'll get yourself all worked up. Actually,  I can't imagine not getting worked up about this even if I were comatose! Still, I had t laugh through the irritation, and other articles online have helped. For example, Mark Morford's article at sfgate.com, Dear Texas, Please shut up. Sincerely, History, had me at the word Dear. From that article:

Hey, kids! Here's something I bet you didn't know: Black people? Back in 1800 or whenever? They liked volunteered for that fine, desirable position. It was a completely balanced, fair, hugely successful system, until those damn liberals came along and ruined everything. I know, right? What a shame....

And from a TFN press release:

The Texas State Board of Education’s vote today against requiring that students learn what the nation’s Founders did to protect religious freedom represents an irresponsible rewriting of American history and a stunning triumph of politics over education, the president of the Texas Freedom Network said today.
“These board members voted to reject the most fundamental constitutional protection for religious freedom in America today: the principle that government may not disfavor or promote any religion over all others,” TFN President Kathy Miller said. “In a world plagued by religious conflict, the Founders understood that keeping government out of religion was essential to protecting freedom. It’s stunning that this board, which directs the education of nearly 5 million public school children, doesn’t understand that.”
The board’s vote came on an amendment offered by Mavis Knight, D-Dallas: “examine the reasons the Founding Fathers protected religious freedom in America by barring government from promoting or disfavoring any particular religion over all others.”
The board rejected Knight’s amendment on a party-line vote, with all Republicans voting no and all Democrats voting yes.
The board is continuing the revision of social studies standards today and tomorrow and will take a final vote in May. Publishers will use the standards to write new textbooks that will be sold in Texas and across the country.

My morning started with a bang!

I'd write the story but I'm very late on a deadline for work, so it'll have to wait.

If anyone is actually reading this and you care to hear what happened, leave me a comment and in return, I'll post the story.

Have a great Thursday. And remember...things could be worse!

Well, they don't know me.

I just noticed there was a Google ad at the bottom of my page that said "How to save your marriage."

I found that ironic.

Please, don't be American!

I just had a random memory. Since no one is reading this blog right now anyhow...

France,  September 2001

I was once approached by two girls in front of the Louvre. They had a tourist map out and unfolded, which they had been referencing as they argued about which way to go. I'm sure you've seen these types of maps: it was one of those cartoony maps with only the major streets marked and large caricatured drawings of major attractions.


They asked if I knew where "the Leaning Tower of Pizza" was. I'm positive I accidentally used the "duuuuuh, you idiots" voice when I answered "uhh. in Pisa." They thrust the map at me and asked if I could show them where it was. I said if they showed me a map of Italy, maybe I could. But a map of Paris just wasn't going to cut it. I mentally chanted "please be Canadian! Please be Canadian!" when I asked them where they were from, and I was beyond relieved to learn they actually were Canadian!
 
Of course, I mean no slight to my Canadian friends. I'm  just really, really happy they weren't American. We have enough problems with our international image these days!