Monster turds and Morgan Freeman? A real-time movie review.

I'm watching Dreamcatcher. I'm 13 minutes into it and I already hate it. My real-time, unedited reactions:

(started 15 minutes into the movie:)
General impression: horrible acting.
One of the stars, Professor Jones, has just been annihilated by a van.

Next scene: Wait a minute. Is this him? He's limping. But he's outside fetching firewood. No way. He's like Superman. I should tell you too that the main characters can read minds. I don't know why I should tell you this, except that it was revealed within the first five minutes of the movie and they've made it clear it's important.

A completely fake scene with these guys sitting around a table 'guy talking.' This is the most unbelievable crap I've ever seen. Horrible, horrible dialogue. We get some backstory and character development: they've been coming up to this cabin for 20 years. They're good guys who once saved an autistic little boy. They toast to a dreamcatcher. We get the impression someone has died.

Later:
A horrific car accident. Quadruple rollover down a snowy hill. I"m pretty sure it's not even a Toyota! I predict they'll survive.Maybe they'll have a limp.

Okay, these guys are superman.  No limps.

Back at the cabin: there's an exodus of animals. The two men there, Toothpick guy and Prof. Jones, just watch. I'd start running too.

The other two guys from accident are trekking up the hill to confront the woman they swerved to avoid, who is still standing in the middle of the road.
 
One of the guys (the witty one, I suppose) quips

"Hey, Miss Road Kill, you almost got us killed!"

Oh, she's sitting.  And not dead. 

Back at the cabin, the animals are still running. The men are standing outside watching them run. One comments on the red stuff they see on the animals and another wonders out loud about what they're running from. Finally. But do they run? No.

A helicopter appears. They're under quarantine. Morgan Freeman is in the helicopter. This gives me hope for the movie!

Hmm... that red stuff? Looked like blood to me and it's all over their cabin now. It came from the sick guy they took in earlier. Sorry, I forgot to mention that part.

Okay, the sick guy just laid a monster turd and died. Literally. This provides me with another great example of bad dialogue:

"He's dead, Beav."
"Bullshit he is, he just dropped a clinker, man, I heard it!"

They trap it (the monster turd) in the toilet with toothpick-guy sitting on the lid, but the turd keeps banging the toilet lid. Toothpick-guy's (hereafter called Stupidguy) toothpicks get knocked out of his pocket and falls into a puddle of the blood the sick guy pooped out. Stupidguy wants his toothpicks so badly that he's willing to die for them. Idiot. Looks like he may.

 Oh, whoa. This monster poop is has some crazy teeth!
(seconds later) Stupidguy is wrestling the turd. This is kind of like alligator wrestling, but with poop.

My excrement  is definitely not this smart. Smart logs know how to turn the door handle. I think I'm out of shit synonyms. Sorry.


An Alien poopmommy just appeared? WTF? Her head exploded.
NSA or something is moving in.

I swear this really needs to get better. Did I mention Morgan Freeman was piloting the helicopter? Jeez. I love Morgan Freeman. He saves any movie. This may be his FAIL.

I'm giving up on this movie. It's time to sleep anyway.

I turned it back on accidentally. I'm glad I gave up on it though. Apparently the mommy poop took over Prof Jone's body and gave him a silly English accident. He's going to Massachusetts. I should have known. Not only do they have funny accents there, but that state recently sent an alien-like being to run for president.

Pete, one of the guys in the accident, has been infested with a monster turd. Guess they eat some and crawl up the butts of others.


Seriously. I'm giving up on it now. Not. One. More. Second.