Sometimes, I want a wife too!

The satirical essay below has been floating around for 40 years, so there's a good chance you've seen it before.  It was originally published in the first edition of Ms. in 1971.  A friend's status message reminded me of it tonight, so here I am. It's worth a reprint every now and again.

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I WANT A WIFE

Judy Syfers, (1971)


I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A
Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh
from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his
ex-wife. He is obviously looking for another wife. As I thought
about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me
that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically
independent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent
upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And
while I am going to school I want a wife to keep track of the
children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of
mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and
are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes
and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant
to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they
have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park,
the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they
are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need
special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My
wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may
mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I
can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for
the care of the children while my wife is working.



I want a wife who will take care of *my* physical needs. I want a
wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after me.
I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced
when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept
in their proper place so I can find what I need the minute I need it.
I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a *good* cook. I
want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery
shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the
cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for
me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from
school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so
that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a
rest and change of scene.

I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a
wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel
the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my
course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me
when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life.
When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who
will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at
school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have
the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my
friends, and not interrupt when I talk about the things that interest
me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the
children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the
children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs
of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they
have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d'oeurves, that they
are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are
replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as
they like it.

And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by
myself.

I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs a wife who makes
love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes
sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not
demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a
wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control,
because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain
sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my
intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands
that *my* sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to
monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as
possible.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the
wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife
with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife
will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am
left free.

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit
working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and
completely take care of a wife's duties.

My God, who *wouldn't* want a wife?

Syfers, Judy. I Want a Wife
Reprinted: Literature for Composition (3rd Ed)
Barnet, Berman, et al.  Harper Collins, 1993